The Art of Not Being Offended

The Art of Not Being Offended

By Dr. Jodi Prinzivalli

There is an ancient and well-kept secret to happiness which the Great Ones have known for centuries. They rarely talk about it, but they use it all the time, and it is fundamental to good mental health. This secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total life experience to date.

In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to survive. Most of it, even when aimed directly at us, has nothing to do with us. Usually, it has more to do with all the other times, and in particular the first few times, that this person experienced a similar situation, usually when they were young.

Yes, this is psychodynamic. But let’s face it, we live in a world where psychodynamics are what make the world go around. An individual who wishes to live successfully in the world as a spiritual person really needs to understand that psychology is as spiritual as prayer. In fact, the word psychology literally means the study of the soul.

All of that said, almost nothing is personal.
Even with our closest loved ones, our beloved partners, our children and our friends. We are all swimming in the projections and filters of each other’s life experiences and often we are just the stand-ins, the chess pieces of life to which our loved ones have their own built-in reactions. This is not to dehumanize life or take away the intimacy from our relationships, but mainly for us to know that almost every time we get offended, we are actually just in a misunderstanding.

A true embodiment of this idea actually allows for more intimacy and less suffering throughout all of our relationships. When we know that we are just the one who happens to be standing in the right place at the right psychodynamic time for someone to say or do what they are doing—we don’t have to take life personally. If it weren’t us, it would likely be someone else.

This frees us to be a little more detached from the reactions of people around us. How often do we react to a statement of another by being offended rather than seeing that the other might actually be hurting? In fact, every time we get offended, it is actually an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be suffering—even if they themselves do not appear that way on the surface. All anger, all acting out, all harshness, all criticism, is in truth a form of suffering. When we provide no Velcro for it to stick, something changes in the world. We do not even have to say a thing. In fact, it is usually better not to say a thing.

People who are suffering on the inside, but not showing it on the outside, are usually not keen on someone pointing out to them that they are suffering. We do not have to be our loved one’s therapist. We need only understand the situation and move on. In the least, we ourselves experience less suffering and at best, we have a chance to make the world a better place.

This is also not to be confused with allowing ourselves to be hurt, neglected or taken advantage of. True compassion does not allow harm to ourselves either. But when we know that nothing is personal, a magical thing happens. Many of the seeming abusers of the world start to leave our lives. Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only happen if we believe what the other is saying. When we know nothing is personal, we also do not end up feeling abused. We can say, “Thank you for sharing,” and move on. We are not hooked by what another does or says, since we know it is not about us.

When we know that our inherent worth is not determined by what another says, does or believes, we can take the world a little less seriously. And if necessary, we can just walk away without creating more misery for ourselves or having to convince the other person that we are good and worthy people.

The great challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment, regardless of what other people do, say, think or believe. The fine art of not being offended is one of the many skills for being a practical mystic. Though it may take a lifetime of practice, it is truly one of the best kept secrets for living a happy life.


~ by indigolifecenter on February 28, 2008.

6 Responses to “The Art of Not Being Offended”

  1. I just hope that people don’t abuse this little article by saying, “Oh, great, now I don’t have to take any responsibility for what I say back to someone who says something that offends me, because that’s really their problem and not mine!!” Some people are narrow-minded enough to do just that. Hopefully the warning NOT to allow people to step all over you because of your compassion will also be heeded.

  2. Yes, what people say about others usually says far more about them than about the person they’re talking about.

    And it’s just their opinion, which they have an absolute right to hold. They have the right to be wrong.

  3. […] come upon about indigos and our spiritual path and all — very informative and helpful.  A recent post on there speaks of not allowing others to offend us, and I agree with much of what it’s […]

  4. Indeed. Which is why it’s best for us to not respond – at least not negatively – to whatever the person has said. If you remember the fact that it’s not really about you, it’s easier to say, “I’m truly sorry you feel that way,” and go on with your life.

  5. I thought this was a brilliant article. I’m 17 and, I stumbled upon this realisation quite by accident sometime in January this year. I’m working on applying it to my life and I cannot express fully just how true The Art of Not Being Offended is. I am constantly criticized for most things I do as they aren’t exactly the norm. I realize that this criticism stems from something bigger than myself and that it really has nothing to do with me. I am more grounded, less angry and am more understanding than I think I have ever been. That isn’t to say I no longer have people that don’t like me, I probably do, but the point is that I am now nothing but kind to them. Things just feel better now, y’know?

  6. The art of not being offended….the art….. of not being offended….Very well put. Indeed, it is an art- sometimes intentional, sometimes reactive, sometimes purposeful and thought out. Other times happenstance and second nature and unthought. And at times, no response is needed. In fact, I believe the more masterful we become, the less response is needed. Responding is indictive of not yet having mastered this art of not being offended, for a response should not offend the purported offender. Though, silence can sometimes be offensive:)…There is a time to give a response, and a time to keep silent:) This is my final determination. Paradoxically,the Bible tells us there is a time to answer a fool, and there is a time to not give a fool an answer.

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